The Seven Dwarves are the gatekeepers to your soul. They are there to protect who you really are. When faced and conquered, you will find JOY. You will, at long last, be able to Just Own Yourself.

The Seven Dwarves are probably the most misunderstood and under appreciated creatures on the planet. They get a bad rap as dragons, demons, and shadows. I’m here to stick up for them, because the truth is, they have a very important job. They were put in place to keep your greatest gifts safe from harm.

As soon as you decide to do something to improve your life, your Seven Dwarves will start screaming. Their job is to keep you small so you don’t realize how big you really are. They keep you in fear so you continue to experience yourself as a mere mortal, when in fact you are a spiritual being having a human experience.

Shame is the second of the seven dwarves. Like all the dwarves, Shame has two sides. The second side of Shame is Humiliation. This dwarf would have you believe that you’re a bad, horrible person; if other people really knew what you were really like, they’d hate you.

Shame is defined as a painful feeling that comes from being aware of having done something wrong, dishonorable, or foolish. When someone is humiliated, they are made to feel inferior and helpless. Johan Galtung, a sociologist and peace mediator, states that the infliction of humiliation is a profoundly violent psychological act that leaves the victim with a deep wound to the psyche.

And yet despite the deep wounds inflicted by shame and humiliation, virtually everyone has experienced at least some humiliation from a young age. I’d like to believe that parents and teachers didn’t know how much harm they were causing, and I trust that some of them were, in fact, ignorant. But some were just passing along their own shame, perhaps hoping that by dumping it onto someone else, their pain would lessen.

Shame knows how to keep a person small. Humiliation makes you believe you’re less valuable and less lovable than others. It makes you want to crawl inside a dark hole and never come out. It makes you feel guilty when you experience pleasure. It makes you want to literally shrink or become invisible in a situation where you might be vulnerable to humiliation.

The worst thing about shame is that it can be created out of innocent acts. Children exploring their physical bodies get caught fondling themselves and are humiliated by their parents, creating sexual repression as the child grows to adulthood. When I was in kindergarten, the teacher caught my playing with crayons before it was time to color. She humiliated me in front of the entire class, and it took decades before I could own my inner artist again.

The adults in children’s lives are in collusion with Shame and Humiliation. To me, this is the most damaging thing about Shame; that it can just be arbitrarily inflicted on an innocent child. The only way to stop this vicious cycle is to face your shame head on. When you own your shame and forgive both yourself and the adult who inflicted it, you will forever be unwilling to cause shame in another person.

Think back to a time when you felt humiliated. What happened to create the humiliation? What was the chain of events, and what did you make it mean about yourself as a person? What if the meaning you decided upon wasn’t true? Are you willing to forgive the other person involved for placing the blanket of shame over you? Are you willing to forgive yourself for accepting the humiliation and holding onto it for however long you have held it? What kind of new meaning could you create now, as an adult, about the situation? What would you like to believe about yourself instead? Spend some time thinking and writing about the situation (as often as you’d like).

If you’d like a small ritual to clear yourself of shame and humiliation, try this. On a small piece of paper, write down the essence of the event that caused you shame. Light it on fire, in a fireplace or someplace safe. As it burns, declare that you know longer agree to be humiliated by the experience. Then sit quietly with a shawl, scarf, or blanket draped around your shoulders. Imagine that the cloth draping your shoulders is one of unconditional love and acceptance for the innocent being who felt humiliated. Feel yourself wrapped in unconditional love and acceptance, and let yourself bask in the good feelings for at least a few minutes, longer if you have time. Close your eyes and breathe in that unconditional love and acceptance for you, just as you are.

But I’m also noticing another feeling. Unfortunately, it’s not patience. No, that would be too easy. But I think I like this feeling just as well. I’m feeling a sense of calm equanimity, as if all is right with the world, even though I don’t know what the heck is going on. And I’m very, very grateful for that feeling.

Every time my ego tries to get its panties in a twist, this feeling of peace overwhelms me. And I’ve really tried, because I think a good cry would make me feel better. But then this wave of peace comes in and makes me feel better instead. With a lot less drama involved.

Here’s what I know helps me deal with the unknown. It takes practice to deeply trust in these concepts, but from where I’m sitting, it’s worth it.

1. I believe that the Universe is conspiring on my behalf. Jack Canfield calls this being a reverse pessimist. If it’s true that the Universe is conspiring on my behalf, (and I have no evidence to the contrary) then it’s all going to work out. And if it’s all going to work out, then there’s no sense in worrying about it.
2. I believe that it’s all good, I don’t care what it looks like. As the saying goes, “It’s all OK in the end. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end.” This has been especially helpful to remember when my brain starts worrying that my just finished manuscript for The Soulmate Myth won’t be able to be retrieved off my dead Macbook. And no, I hadn’t backed it up in months. And no, that’s not the only big unknown I’m sitting with.
3. I remember that the “Hows” are none of my business. My job is to set my intentions and then take daily steps toward what I say I want to accomplish. If my manuscript is really gone, then the Universe must have better plans for me. Who knows, maybe I’ll be a TV star instead of an author. Maybe I’ll bump into Demi Moore on the beach and she’ll hire me as her relationship coach. My point is that the hows are none of my business. I just need to pay attention to the what (do I want and am I willing to do) and the why (do I want it).
4. Exercise helps. Too much alcohol does not help. Exercise not only helps to tire out the body, but it helps you get in “the zone” where everything is working well. It floods the body with endorphins, which are “feel good” hormones, and it’s hard to be upset with that many endorphins running through you.
5. Structure helps. When you have a lot of unknown in your life, create structure around what you do know. Plan your exercise, your meals, your meditation time… whatever you do know. Make a list of what you know. Make a list of what you can do for yourself. Make a list of the people you can count on. Make a list of all the amazing, surprising ways the Universe could conspire on your behalf for the resolution of your unknown thing.
6. Don’t skimp on the self-care. In fact, ramp it up. If you normally go to one yoga class a week, go to two during times of uncertainty. Schedule a massage or energy healing session. Get your nails done. Whatever helps you unwind, do as much as you can for yourself.
7. I know that the most important thing I can do in unsettled times is to breathe. In fact, forget to breathe and the rest of it is a moot point. Forget the shallow, quick breaths of someone who’s afraid. Breathe deeply, inhaling life. Exhale out your fears and concerns with a big, strong breath. And breathe in again, trusting that the Universe is, in fact, conspiring on your behalf.

Today is another story. Today I admit that it’s been three days in a row where I’ve been procrastinating or playing hooky. Being the self-reflective person I am, I asked myself why I might be procrastinating. I came up with these reasons, and I thought it might be helpful to share them, so that you can discern the reasons behind the times you procrastinate (hint: they’re not all bad!).

I invite you to read this in the context of your current relationship (or the last significant relationship you had). Did you procrastinate ending the relationship after you knew it was over? Did you resist making changes you knew would be helpful?

1. You might be on the wrong path. This was true for me when I was a CFP(R) in 2004. I thought that helping people with their money meant I needed to be a financial services professional, but the Universe had other ideas. When it comes to relationships, this means you might be with the wrong person. He may have been right at first, but people change over time.
2. You might be afraid of success. This happened to me when I opened to something bigger and started my coaching practice. I had become really clear that my mission was to help people with their relationship with money, because their relationship with money was a reflection of their relationship with themselves. I had begun teaching people how to own their shadows and love all aspects of themselves. Suddenly, it felt overwhelming. I didn’t feel qualified. Who was I do be doing this? As Marianne Williamson once said, “Who are you not to? It is your light, not your darkness, that you most fear.” In relationships, this often shows up as finding fault with a good man because you think, deep down, that you don’t deserve him.
3. You might be overwhelmed by the scope and breadth of a project. If that’s the case, break it down into bite sized pieces. Create an outline, or a project work flow, to help you break down big projects into bite sized pieces. When I wanted to leave my husband, this kind of procrastination kept me stuck for nearly two years.
4. You might just need a break. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. If you’ve been working too hard without giving yourself time to relax, at some point you will say “enough.” If you don’t want to give into that, you may find yourself procrastinating. This is what was true for me. Yesterday I gave in and played hooky, which allowed me to refocus once I got back into my routine. Check out this picture for the results of my day of play. Hit “Like” if you like it!
5. You might be putting off tasks that are truly dull and boring to you. If this is true for you, think about hiring someone else to do them. You might find a high school student to manage your social network sites, or someone to clean your house. If you think you don’t have the resources to pay someone else to do those jobs, think about the hours it would free you to do what you love. How many more people could you reach? I’m willing to bet that making the commitment to farm out the dull stuff will more than pay for itself with new clients and new business.

In writing out these reasons we procrastinate, I’ve gotten myself out of my rut of procrastination. I didn’t make myself bad or wrong for procrastinating. Instead, I objectively looked at what was really happening. Once I uncovered the reasons, I had the tools to move forward. If you beat yourself up for procrastinating, you’ll just create another reason to procrastinate.