A few days ago I decided to do this the easy way: I started meditating on it. And today, voila! Into my consciousness floated the answer: I am the JOY Professor, teaching you how to Just Own Yourself for a life of love and abundance. JOY (Just Own Yourself) is the real answer to the world, the universe, and everything. Now, if the letters in the word JOY added up to 42, I’d have really freaked myself out. (they don’t, they add up to 55. Oh well.)

Everyone wants to experience joy, and most people believe that when they’re in love, or when they have enough abundance in their life (or both), they’ll finally experience joy. That’s backwards thinking, in my book. The truth is, when you allow yourself to experience joy no matter what, love and abundance make their way into your life.

I believe the secret to experiencing unbridled joy is to Just Own Yourself. What do I mean by that? Love what is. Accept that you are a radiant expression of the Divine, just as you are right now. Even if you’re experiencing pain, sorrow, feeling misunderstood and alone, and/or thinking nobody really gets you. Start using my personal motto: “It’s all good, I don’t care what it looks like.” Look for the lesson in each experience. Own up to yourself as the co-creator of your experiences. Wake up to the fact that you are, in fact, creating every facet of your life in each moment. What you’re experiencing now is the result of your thoughts, feelings and actions (or lack of) in the past.

Take responsibility for your life by Just Owning Yourself. First, take back your power, whether you’ve given it to your lover, your mother, or your boss. There are no victims and no villains in your story. If you think there are, you’re not looking closely enough. You’re not owning up to being the creator of your experiences. If you want to know how to start taking back your power and learn how to Just Own Yourself, sign up for one of my free teleclasses here.

Second, stop looking outside yourself for joy. Stop expecting other people to make your life better. That’s your job. Expecting other people to fix you is just another way to give over your power. Take back your power, and take responsibility for your own joy. I know, this sounds just like the first step. It is, but it’s an intricate process with many layers, so it bears repeating.

Third, lighten up! Stop taking yourself so seriously. You’re allowed to make mistakes. In fact, I encourage making as many mistakes as possible, with one caveat. When you make a mistake, learn the lesson. There’s nothing worse than making the same mistake over and over (believe me, I know!). In fact, that’s the very definition of insanity: doing the same thing and expecting different results. So laugh a lot, don’t be afraid to look silly, try new things whenever possible. Trust me, this last sentence holds a world of wisdom. Follow just that- laugh a lot, don’t be afraid to look silly, and try new things- and you’ll immediately begin to experience more joy. Try it, you might like it!

Putting your head in the sand and ignores the things that are making your life miserable is not an effective coping strategy in the long run. We’ve all done it at some point in our lives; maybe we stayed in a relationship long after we knew it should end, or maybe we stayed in a dead end job hoping things would change.  But eventually, unless you want to stay stuck for the rest of your life, you have to pull your head out of the sand and take a long, hard look at what’s really happening.

It can be frightening to really look at what’s happening.  But I think that what’s most frightening is the fear of the unknown.  Once you assess your situation and make a plan to change it, the fear becomes manageable.  No matter how frightened you think you are, the very act of taking charge and actually doing something is tremendously liberating.  The fear begins to turn to exhilaration as you take responsibility for your life.

One key thing that keeps people stuck, whether in relationships or other areas of their life, is the belief that you don’t deserve to be outrageously happy.  It’s not true!  You are not supposed to put up with a job you don’t love, you’re not meant to live in a part of the world that doesn’t thrill you, and you’re not intended to maintain relationships that don’t support and nurture you.  This is not a dress rehearsal, it’s your life.  Each of us has unique gifts, and we’re meant to share those gifts with others in a way that makes everyone feel better.

Here are some steps to help you get unstuck:

1. Choose an area of your live that’s not excellent. (Let’s pick dating)
2. Make a list of what you want for yourself.  If you have trouble coming up with ideas, start with a list of what you don’t want, then determine what the opposites of your “don’t wants” are.
3. Find a friend who can be unconditionally supportive, and share your list of wants with them.  Ask them if they can see you having all the things you want.  Because this is your unconditionally supportive friend, they will say “yes!”  If they don’t say “yes!”, find someone else.
4. Ask yourself this question:  “If I believed I really deserved these things, how would I behave?”  (For example, if you want a fit and athletic partner, you’d probably want to be fit and athletic yourself.  If you wanted a partner with integrity, you’d want to act with integrity yourself.)
5. Start “acting as if”… commit to behaving the way you would behave if you really believed you deserve the things you want.  Find an accountability partner- a friend who also does this exercise, or a life coach- and report in every week.  Report your successes as well as your relapses.

It’s important to have compassion for yourself as you begin making these changes.  One of the biggest obstacles to change is that we set the bar too high, then we don’t give ourselves credit for what we do accomplish.  We try to change every aspect of our lives at once, and it’s overwhelming.  Pick one thing and work on it until you see a change.

It’s also important to be clear about where you’re starting from.  One of the ways we can be like ostriches is by refusing to recognize habitual patterns we have.  For example, if you want a partner with integrity, you need to be in integrity.  Are there areas in your life where you’re out of integrity?  ‘Fess up to yourself and work on getting into alignment.

Don’t forget to celebrate every success, even if it seems small.  This will help you maintain momentum for massive change in the long run.

Coming out is about so many things:  being honest with yourself and others, being true to who you really are, expecting to be loved and respected for who you really are, and learning to love yourself- all parts of yourself.

In other words, we all could use a healthy dose of coming out.

Gay people are courageous.  Coming out is courageous.  They get, sometimes unwillingly, thrust under the spotlight within their own worlds.  Because of who they really are, they have to take a stand for themselves.  They have to fight for what they truly desire, and they face a lot of criticism and sometimes do it with very little support.

They are exactly like straight people in that way.  Only more so.  It’s accentuated because of our culture’s views on being gay (which thankfully are shifting, slowly but surely).  But truly, each and every one of us has to make a decision, at some point in our lives, to come out.  We each have the opportunity to decide to live life fully.  We each have to decide whether we want to show the world all of who we are.

I say, stand up today and come out.  Shine your light, let the world catch a glimpse of who you really are.  Stand with your brothers and sisters in solidarity.  Every single one of us is special.  And yet, every single one of us has felt shunned at some point.  We have all been afraid to tell someone, or everyone, about some aspect of ourselves.  Let today be the day you say, “no more.”  C’mon out with us!