Nothing stirs up the core wound of betrayal faster than discovering your partner had an affair. The core wound of betrayal is one of seven core wounds we all work through as we grow in our relationships and in consciousness. (You can learn more about the core wounds here)

Infidelity is one of the hardest things to get over and forgive in a relationship, but it is possible. You can do it, but only if you decide that you want to forgive and heal. Your partner has to want to move forward, too. Unless he used the affair as a cowardly way to end your relationship, he’ll probably be anxious to be forgiven and willing to do whatever it takes to earn back your trust.

Trust is the crux of it; the wounding from an affair has many layers, but the bottom line and the root of it all is that when your partner has an affair, he betrays your trust. With that betrayal, your world feels unsafe. If you can’t trust your partner, who can you trust? And worse, if your partner cheated on you, can you even trust yourself? Could your judgment be that flawed, could you really be that naive? The betrayal erodes the foundation of your relationship and it erodes your self confidence.

The only way to repair the relationship is to re-build the foundation of trust. I recommend that you don’t try to do this alone. Whenever a core wound is involved, it’s wise to get the help and support of a trained life coach or therapist.

Trust is rebuilt one brick at a time. Here are some important components.

1. Reliability. He does what he says he’ll do, when he says he’ll do it. He comes home on time, picks up the kids, fixes the broken cabinet… whatever it is, you trust his reliability.
2. Love. He actively demonstrates that he still loves you. There are 5 love languages, according to author Gary Chapman. These are ways that your partner can let you know he loves you. Figure out what your primary love language is and tell him so that he will know how to show you he loves you.
3. Communication. I feel like a broken record, but if you don’t have open, honest communication, you don’t have much of a relationship. One of the main reasons men and women have affairs in the first place is because they don’t communicate well with their partner, and that sends the relationship into disrepair. Tell him how you feel, tell him what you want from him, and expect nothing less from him.
4. Responsibility. Each of you has to own up to your part in the breakdown of the relationship. How did you stop paying attention to each other? When did the relationship become a lower priority? What are you each willing to do to repair it?

It is possible to recover from an affair. And while sometimes relationships just run their natural course and end, more often than not, a spurned lover throws the baby out with the bathwater. Problems in relationships are never one person’s fault, and if you take the time to look at the dynamics present within your relationship, you might find that there’s still life in it. If you ditch the relationship without examining the dynamics, you’ll get to repeat the process with your next partner.

The Seven Dwarves are probably the most misunderstood and under appreciated creatures on the planet. They get a bad rap as dragons, demons, and shadows. I’m here to stick up for them, because the truth is, they have a very important job. They were put in place to keep your greatest gifts safe from harm.

As soon as you decide to do something to improve your life, your Seven Dwarves will start screaming. Their job is to keep you small so you don’t realize how big you really are. They keep you in fear so you continue to experience yourself as a mere mortal, when in fact you are a spiritual being having a human experience.

The first of the seven dwarves is Abandonment. This dwarf has a theme: Nobody likes me, and the people who love me will leave me. Abandonment is responsible for all the stories you have about being abandoned or rejected, and there are many variations on this theme.

Abandonment is trying to keep you safe from heartbreak. It thinks that if you keep your heart closed, nobody will be able to abandon or reject you. I’ll let you in on a secret, though. A closed heart is a broken heart. The only way to stay safe from heartbreak is to open your heart all the way. What we often think of as a broken heart is actually one that’s breaking open. If you’re willing to take in the lesson of the heartbreak, you’ll learn how to open your heart wider.

Here are some of the ways Abandonment shows up in people’s lives:

1. When you find someone who might be a good partner, you start looking for their faults. You look for what’s wrong instead of what’s right. Nobody ever breaks up with you because you don’t give them a chance; you’re always the one to leave.
2. People think you’re shy or reserved. You’re hard to get to know because you don’t trust people. You’re afraid that if you let someone in, you’ll be hurt. So you end up lonely instead.
3. You fall hard and fast, over and over again. You’re always in a relationship because you don’t know who to be as an individual. You’re in love with the idea of love, but find it difficult to actually execute. You can’t do enough for your partner; you’re a giver. You don’t understand why he doesn’t appreciate you.
4. You love the Chase. You’re really attracted to someone when you’re trying to catch them, but once you’re in the relationship you get bored. You withdraw emotionally, and your partner starts to think they’ve done something wrong. This is a common expression of abandonment issues in men.
5. You are a perfectionist. If only you get it right, you won’t be rejected. Whether “it” is a work project, the way your home looks, how you dress, or what your body looks like, perfectionism is a thief. It steals your happiness under the guise of preventing rejection.

If you resonate with any of these, the first step is to be gentle with yourself. Abandonment will start whispering in your ear that you don’t deserve anything better; that you don’t deserve to be loved. That is a lie, intended to keep you small.