I may have mentioned this, but I’m not a fan of this holiday. I prefer to spread the love all year ‘round. But for those of you who do like to make a big deal of it (or you’re afraid you’ll end up in the dog house if you don’t), here are some ideas.

1. Write your sweetheart a love letter. You know how much she likes getting cards? Well, multiply that by a bazillion. A real letter, hand-written on paper, with your sincere thoughts and feelings expressed for her to read and re-read, is priceless. Stay tuned for tips on how to write a beautiful love letter.
2. Make a special dinner at home. While the more typical dinner at a restaurant can be nice, there’s something really sweet about a home made meal. You can set the lights low, use candles, and put on some nice dinner music. It doesn’t even have to be terribly fancy, but it helps if it’s something you don’t normally cook. I just recently dusted off a cookbook I hadn’t used in awhile, and I’m glad I did. The appreciation my husband showered on me was well worth the effort.
3. If you have children, encourage them to make cards or pictures for both you and your spouse. No peeking! What’s sweeter than that? Nothing makes your heart expand quite like the love of a child expressed with Crayolas.
4. For gift ideas, enlist your partner’s best friend for suggestions. They’re more likely to mention what they want to a friend than to a partner. And think outside the box: instead of chocolates or jewelry, what about a spa treatment? Especially for parents with young children, time alone during a massage or manicure is priceless.
5. For women, get your sexy on! Surprise your partner by wearing sexy lingerie… under your bathrobe… when he gets home from work… and flash him. That’s just one suggestion under a larger umbrella of ideas. The umbrella is this: you be the one to initiate sex. Men tend to be responsible for initiating most of the sex that occurs in longer term relationships. Whether it’s social conditioning, disinterest, or laziness, women just don’t usually initiate sex when they’ve been with their partner for awhile. Trust me, he’ll love it.

You may have noticed that four of the five suggestions don’t require a big outlay of cash. Sometimes it really is the simple things in life that make it more meaningful.

1.  Act confident.  If you don’t believe you can get a date, you definitely won’t.  But remember, confidence doesn’t mean arrogance and it doesn’t mean you’re self-absorbed.  How do women perceive confidence, you ask?  Smile and maintain good eye contact to start.  I don’t mean stare her down, or give a smoldering, “I know you want me” look (that’s not nice).  Just be direct and open.  Your eye contact should say, “I’m interested in getting to know you better, I’m curious about you.”  Put your drink down between sips (sips, not gulps) rather than holding onto it like a pacifier.  And use your body:  lean in every once in awhile for more intimacy.  Just don’t forget to pull back again to give us space.  Non-sexual touch is great too:  rest your hand lightly on her forearm after a laugh, or give a shoulder nudge to emphasize a point.

2.  Ask her questions about herself.  This is a no-brainer for the nice guy, because you are genuinely interested in her.  If you’re not a natural nice guy, this is the best tip you can get for your money.  Women can’t stand it when men are so self-absorbed they only talk about themselves.  We want to know about you, but we also want to know that you remember we’re real people, not just a piece of meat.

3.   Stop trying so hard to please.  It’s ok if we don’t agree on every single thing.  We want to know you have a spine of your own.  Have a strong opinion about something and let us know about it.  That doesn’t mean you aren’t open to a differing opinion, but it’s ok to “agree to disagree.”  I’ll give a small example:  when we ask where you want to go for dinner, have an opinion.  It’s irritating to hear, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” all the time.  I’m sure you think the same thing; you’d rather hear our opinion, even if you disagree.  Here’s a clue:  both men and women think that someone who knows what they want out of bed will also know what they want (and not be afraid to tell us) in bed, and that is sexy as hell.

4.  Make her laugh.  Even if it’s at your expense once in awhile, the number one aphrodisiac for women is laughter.  Think improv, not knock-knock jokes.  Life is pretty funny all by itself, so you don’t have to be cracking jokes all the time.  Nice guys are great at self-deprecating humor, so just be careful not to overdo it.  It’s even ok to gently poke fun at her once in awhile, as long as it’s not a joke about her personal appearance.  Seriously guys, no matter how confident a woman is, jokes about her appearance are always taboo.  Consider it our Achilles heel.

5.  When the time comes, be the sexual initiator.  I know you don’t always want to be the one to initiate, but biologically women are hard-wired to expect men to initiate sex.  Especially in the beginning, don’t be afraid to grab your woman and plant a juicy kiss on her.  See #1 on the list; confidence is a huge turn-on.  You can look for clues about how you’re doing without appearing too eager to please.  Here’s a clue:  voice inflection is key.  “Do you like that?” is wimpy; “Do you like that?” is not.  The first implies she might not like anything you’re doing, while the second (said with confidence) implies that she likes it all and that in particular.

Just remember: think nice, not passive. Doormats are no fun to date, but most women want to see their friends (and themselves) dating a nice guy.

Common life events that can create trouble in relationships include things like moving, being unemployed, getting a new job, the death of a parent, and having a baby. People tend to contract during those times naturally, and it’s not necessarily unhealthy. You need to preserve your energy when going through major life changes. But contracting doesn’t have to mean shutting down. It can mean that you are extra careful with what you choose to do and with whom you choose to spend your time. It can mean that you cultivate your love relationship because that is what helps you stay balanced.

Unfortunately, that’s not what typically happens. More often, when faced with a major life change, even if it is one of our own choosing, once we launch the change, we panic. “OMG, what was I thinking?” we say to ourselves. We go into fear, or descend deeper into fear. We start imagining the worst case scenarios, and those imaginings have an impact on our reality. As we imagine our fears, we project them out into our reality, so they start showing up in our lives (Law of Attraction 101).

I have a solution, and I call it “catching yourself in the act.” I believe I read about it along time ago from Abraham-Hicks. (My apologies if it was from someone else). Here’s how it works:

1. Notice when you’re engaged in negative self-talk. That can be self-directed, as in “I’m so fat, I’ll never lose this weight” or other-directed, as in “he’s never going to get a good job again in this economy.” That’s the “catching” part.
2. Celebrate the fact that you noticed it. This is magical. Instead of beating yourself up for having negative thoughts, celebrate the fact that they’re not flying under the radar, wreaking even more havoc.
3. Re-direct your thoughts. What else is possible? Make a list of these possibilities. Writing them in a journal is especially powerful, but even if you just think about them, this will work. This is called doing a “what if… up”. Typically, our “what if” thoughts drag us down a negative road. This re-direct brings you into a more positive place.
4. You muster up the feelings of at least one of these better possibilities. Allow yourself to feel better for at least 17 seconds. The Law of Attraction acts on the level of our deepest, most prevalent feelings. That explains a lot, now, doesn’t it?
5. Before the feelings start to wane, if the negative thoughts were self-directed, run to a mirror and look into your eyes. Smile and say, “I believe in you, and I love you.” If the negative thoughts were directed at your partner, say to him, “I believe in you, and I love you.” Even if you’re not totally feeling it, say it. Or, say something like it that feels genuine and relevant to you.

A caveat: when you first begin this process, you might be shocked at how often you notice negative self talk. Continue to celebrate every time you notice a negative thought, even if it seems like all your thoughts are negative. Celebrating the noticing helps to re-train your brain and knocks the negative spiral off track. Being nice, both to yourself and to your partner, when you’re going through challenging times will make the road a lot smoother.