Romance Recovery » Miscellaneous

How To Deal With The Unknown

admin — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 02:32:43 +0000

There’s nothing I hate more than waiting. Or not knowing. Or waiting for answers. They’re all pretty much the same thing, as far as I’m concerned. And I’m sitting in a big pile of it at the moment. You know, the kind of life-changing, buckle your seatbelt, holy sh*t pile of waiting for answers. It’s enough to make me really, really cranky.

But I’m also noticing another feeling. Unfortunately, it’s not patience. No, that would be too easy. But I think I like this feeling just as well. I’m feeling a sense of calm equanimity, as if all is right with the world, even though I don’t know what the heck is going on. And I’m very, very grateful for that feeling.

Every time my ego tries to get its panties in a twist, this feeling of peace overwhelms me. And I’ve really tried, because I think a good cry would make me feel better. But then this wave of peace comes in and makes me feel better instead. With a lot less drama involved.

Here’s what I know helps me deal with the unknown. It takes practice to deeply trust in these concepts, but from where I’m sitting, it’s worth it.

I believe that the Universe is conspiring on my behalf. Jack Canfield calls this being a reverse pessimist. If it’s true that the Universe is conspiring on my behalf, (and I have no evidence to the contrary) then it’s all going to work out. And if it’s all going to work out, then there’s no sense in worrying about it.
I believe that it’s all good, I don’t care what it looks like. As the saying goes, “It’s all OK in the end. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end.” This has been especially helpful to remember when my brain starts worrying that my just finished manuscript for The Soulmate Myth won’t be able to be retrieved off my dead Macbook. And no, I hadn’t backed it up in months. And no, that’s not the only big unknown I’m sitting with.
I remember that the “Hows” are none of my business. My job is to set my intentions and then take daily steps toward what I say I want to accomplish. If my manuscript is really gone, then the Universe must have better plans for me. Who knows, maybe I’ll be a TV star instead of an author. Maybe I’ll bump into Demi Moore on the beach and she’ll hire me as her relationship coach. My point is that the hows are none of my business. I just need to pay attention to the what (do I want and am I willing to do) and the why (do I want it).
Exercise helps. Too much alcohol does not help. Exercise not only helps to tire out the body, but it helps you get in “the zone” where everything is working well. It floods the body with endorphins, which are “feel good” hormones, and it’s hard to be upset with that many endorphins running through you.
Structure helps. When you have a lot of unknown in your life, create structure around what you do know. Plan your exercise, your meals, your meditation time… whatever you do know. Make a list of what you know. Make a list of what you can do for yourself. Make a list of the people you can count on. Make a list of all the amazing, surprising ways the Universe could conspire on your behalf for the resolution of your unknown thing.
Don’t skimp on the self-care. In fact, ramp it up. If you normally go to one yoga class a week, go to two during times of uncertainty. Schedule a massage or energy healing session. Get your nails done. Whatever helps you unwind, do as much as you can for yourself.
I know that the most important thing I can do in unsettled times is to breathe. In fact, forget to breathe and the rest of it is a moot point. Forget the shallow, quick breaths of someone who’s afraid. Breathe deeply, inhaling life. Exhale out your fears and concerns with a big, strong breath. And breathe in again, trusting that the Universe is, in fact, conspiring on your behalf.

My Favorite Cheap Date Night Recipe

admin — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 07:05:06 +0000

This recipe is ridiculously easy and inexpensive, but looks impressive.

I call it Shrimp and Spinach a la Vodka

Ingredients:
1 box of pasta (I like penne or bowtie)
8-12 oz of spinach (you can substitute asparagus or another veggie)
1 lb shrimp, de-veined and raw (you can substitute cubed chicken or tofu if you don’t like shrimp)
1 jar of Italian pink vodka sauce (I like Newman’s Own)
1 tablespoon olive oil
salt, pepper and minced garlic to taste
Basil and/or parmesan cheese for garnish

Cook pasta according to directions.
As the pasta cooks, warm olive oil in a saute pan and add the shrimp. Cook for 2-3 minutes* on med-high, then add vodka sauce and spinach. Cook until the sauce is hot, spinach is slightly wilted and shrimp is cooked through (about 5-6 minutes).
Drain pasta and place in in a large bowl, adding sauce mixture on top. Toss and serve. Garnish as desired.

*chicken needs to be cooked longer, at least 6-8 minutes (depending on size) before adding sauce

Yummy and impressive! For best results, use large or extra large shrimp.

Let’s Talk About Trust

admin — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 17:46:06 +0000

I’ve just landed in Hawai’i after a week long drive from Massachusetts to California. My husband and I each drove our cars and shipped them to Hawaii from Oakland. It was a trip we’d planned for months, and then totally threw the plan book out the window as we moved closer to the end of the year. The northern route was out of the question because of a series of blizzards and the fact that many of the places we wanted to see were seasonal. Then the longer we waited, the less time we had available for the journey itself.
One of the things that delayed our trip was the fact that we weren’t sure when or whether our house would be rented. We’ve had weeks now of having to trust that it’s all unfolding, even though we haven’t yet seen evidence of this fact. So we were already in a place of being challenged to trust before we even started driving.
This physical journey invited a deeply emotional journey for me. It became the latest iteration of going deeper into trust despite the object of my trust being imperfect, and trusting his intentions rather than the fruits of his labors. In other words, going even deeper into unconditional trust.
The last time I wrote about unconditional trust, it was from a place of smug self-satisfaction. I felt fully able to relax into the Universe’s plans for me, and gracefully rode the waves of trust. I forgot for a moment that life is neither static nor linear, and lately I’ve found myself in another place of being challenged to trust.
Without getting into the gory details, one of my core wounds is about being able to trust that the people I love will be able to be there for me. I’ve done a lot of work to heal this, but like all core wounds, it runs deep and finds clever ways to come to the surface for healing.
And so it unfolded that during my cross country trip, I wanted my partner to take the lead in driving, but then I challenged and second-guessed his every move. It was maddening and frustrating for both of us. It’s not often that I find myself in the middle of an unhealthy dynamic and can’t shift it, but there it was, in my face every day.
I had this idea that I would be able to trust my partner when he became fully present and totally stepped into his masculine presence. In other words, when he became perfect, then I would trust him. There’s nothing unconditional about that! So last week I had the opportunity to practice trusting, or trying to trust, in the face of imperfection. I had to trust that even when he took a wrong turn, he wasn’t intentionally trying to mess with me. I had the opportunity to practice speaking my truth to get my needs me, and then I had the opportunity to see what it felt like when he still didn’t do what I wanted him to do, even though I had asked specifically. Again, it wasn’t intentional. He wasn’t thinking about how to make me feel bad. He just misunderstood my request (another opportunity to practice clear and open communication!).
This is a lesson still in progress. I trust it’ll unfold perfectly and that I’ll feel a whole lot better when I’m on the other side of it. But I wanted to post this to be transparent about the process we all undertake. It’s far from perfect, and often messy. I don’t know the answer right now, but I do know that if I keep asking the questions and questioning those fearful parts of my personality, the answer will come.