Common life events that can create trouble in relationships include things like moving, being unemployed, getting a new job, the death of a parent, and having a baby. People tend to contract during those times naturally, and it’s not necessarily unhealthy. You need to preserve your energy when going through major life changes. But contracting doesn’t have to mean shutting down. It can mean that you are extra careful with what you choose to do and with whom you choose to spend your time. It can mean that you cultivate your love relationship because that is what helps you stay balanced.

Unfortunately, that’s not what typically happens. More often, when faced with a major life change, even if it is one of our own choosing, once we launch the change, we panic. “OMG, what was I thinking?” we say to ourselves. We go into fear, or descend deeper into fear. We start imagining the worst case scenarios, and those imaginings have an impact on our reality. As we imagine our fears, we project them out into our reality, so they start showing up in our lives (Law of Attraction 101).

I have a solution, and I call it “catching yourself in the act.” I believe I read about it along time ago from Abraham-Hicks. (My apologies if it was from someone else). Here’s how it works:

1. Notice when you’re engaged in negative self-talk. That can be self-directed, as in “I’m so fat, I’ll never lose this weight” or other-directed, as in “he’s never going to get a good job again in this economy.” That’s the “catching” part.
2. Celebrate the fact that you noticed it. This is magical. Instead of beating yourself up for having negative thoughts, celebrate the fact that they’re not flying under the radar, wreaking even more havoc.
3. Re-direct your thoughts. What else is possible? Make a list of these possibilities. Writing them in a journal is especially powerful, but even if you just think about them, this will work. This is called doing a “what if… up”. Typically, our “what if” thoughts drag us down a negative road. This re-direct brings you into a more positive place.
4. You muster up the feelings of at least one of these better possibilities. Allow yourself to feel better for at least 17 seconds. The Law of Attraction acts on the level of our deepest, most prevalent feelings. That explains a lot, now, doesn’t it?
5. Before the feelings start to wane, if the negative thoughts were self-directed, run to a mirror and look into your eyes. Smile and say, “I believe in you, and I love you.” If the negative thoughts were directed at your partner, say to him, “I believe in you, and I love you.” Even if you’re not totally feeling it, say it. Or, say something like it that feels genuine and relevant to you.

A caveat: when you first begin this process, you might be shocked at how often you notice negative self talk. Continue to celebrate every time you notice a negative thought, even if it seems like all your thoughts are negative. Celebrating the noticing helps to re-train your brain and knocks the negative spiral off track. Being nice, both to yourself and to your partner, when you’re going through challenging times will make the road a lot smoother.

I think the number one reason people cheat is because we are not intended to be monogamous.  In cultures where monogamy is not mandatory, infidelity doesn’t destroy marriages.  Having said that, I don’t condone cheating.  I prefer open, honest communication and parameters within a relationship that allow for the possibility of non-monogamy.

Having said that, I also don’t think people who cheat are monsters.  I don’t believe they’re deviants (although a very small number may be sex addicts), and I don’t believe there’s necessarily something wrong with them.  What I do believe is that we don’t offer a good role model for being anything in between monogamous and a cheater.  We don’t offer a socially acceptable alternative.

There are a number of acceptable alternatives; the more people embrace these alternatives, the more socially acceptable they’ll become.  For example, twenty years ago it was considered taboo for a heterosexual woman to experiment with another woman.  Today, many women experiment (I’ve heard numbers as high as 80% of women are at least bi-curious) and that particular taboo has lost some of its edge.  The same principle applies to relationships.  The more couples experiment with alternatives to monogamy– from polyamory to expanded monogamy to swinging– the less of a stigma will be attached.

But before you experiment with alternatives to monogamy, we’ll return to Dr. Goodstone’s coping skills and long term expectations.  Let’s look at coping skills first.  How do you deal with loss?  How do you deal with success? How do you deal with disappointment and unmet expectations?  How does your partner handle these things?  It’s critical to develop healthy coping skills if you are to successfully navigate changes in your relationship.  I am assuming with these questions that you want to shift the dynamics of your current, long term relationship.  However, having good coping skills is also important when you’re in a new non-monogamous relationship and you have to deal with your partner having other partners.

Long term expectations are another key dynamic in relationships.  What we want in our 20’s is not what we want in our 40’s or 50’s.  As you grow, it would be helpful to examine your long term expectations on occasion (I’d recommend every five to ten years). Examine your own expectations as well as your partner’s expectations.  It’s not uncommon for expectations to be implied and assumed, and that’s what causes a lot of problems in relationships.  It goes back to having clear and open communication.  If you expect your partner to do your laundry and he doesn’t, you’ll harbor resentment.  But if you don’t explicitly request that he do your laundry, how is he supposed to know about that expectation?  The same goes for sexual expectations and expectations about intimacy and romantic gestures.

An affair, whether it’s a one night stand or a longer affair, doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship.  You will likely need professional help together to move past the hurt, anger, betrayal, and the underlying reasons for the affair.  And you may decide after working through all those things that it’s time to separate.  I’m just suggesting that you don’t end the relationship in a knee-jerk reaction.  Take the time to explore the underlying dynamics which led to the affair, and make an empowered decision about how you want to move forward.

But that doesn’t need to mean that date night should join the casualties of tough economic times. In fact, I think when times are tough, it’s even more important to take time to maintain strong emotional connections with the ones you love. The question is: how?

The answer: turn Date Night inside out. Date night doesn’t have to be about going out and spending lots of money. You don’t have to go somewhere fancy. What’s important is that you connect, and connection happens from the inside out. Even if you’re dating someone new, you don’t have to break the bank to make a great connection. Here are my top five ways to have an amazing date night without losing your shirt (unless the losing the shirt thing is intentional and consensual!)

1. Spend time in nature. No matter where you live, there’s bound to be a national park or otherwise amazing terrain somewhere near where you live. Pack a light picnic lunch and go explore!
2. Make a fancy dinner at home. There are lots of great recipes online, and many of them are surprisingly easy to make. Check out one of my favorites here. Light some candles and set the table with the fancy napkins and placements (c’mon, you know you have them somewhere!). If you have children or it’s a first date, make it a lunch to lessen either the cost of a babysitter or the evening date expectations.
3. Have a spa night at home. I wouldn’t recommend this for a first date, but it’s delightful for a couple who’s been together for awhile. Spa night can be as simple as rubbing each other’s hands, feet, and backs. You can get fancy with epsom salts and essential oil to soak in the tub. Some essential oils that increase sexual arousal include clary sage, ylang ylang, rose, and sandalwood. Key components: low lights, soft music, and no distractions. Just focus on the scents and sensations.
4. Volunteer together. There’s something magical about stepping outside your own troubles to make you appreciate the good things in your life. Connecting with another person while you help others less fortunate creates a strong bond. I still remember the first time I did this with my partner nearly twenty years ago. We felt so grateful for what we had and so blessed to be able to share with others. Talk about increasing the emotional connection!
5. Play a game of “Remember When?” This is another great game for couples who have been together for a long time. After awhile, sometimes we forget why we got together in the first place. “Remember When” is simple: you each remember and talk about the first time you saw each other, the first time you met, your first date, the first time you made love, and anything else that comes to mind and makes you remember the good things about your relationship.

Honestly, you can do anything with conscious intention and increase your connection.  Set your intention to connect over a Netflix movie and a bowl of popcorn, and you’ll find yourself sitting closer together and talking about the movie.  These five suggestions are just a place to start.  Have fun!