Nothing stirs up the core wound of betrayal faster than discovering your partner had an affair. The core wound of betrayal is one of seven core wounds we all work through as we grow in our relationships and in consciousness. (You can learn more about the core wounds here)

Infidelity is one of the hardest things to get over and forgive in a relationship, but it is possible. You can do it, but only if you decide that you want to forgive and heal. Your partner has to want to move forward, too. Unless he used the affair as a cowardly way to end your relationship, he’ll probably be anxious to be forgiven and willing to do whatever it takes to earn back your trust.

Trust is the crux of it; the wounding from an affair has many layers, but the bottom line and the root of it all is that when your partner has an affair, he betrays your trust. With that betrayal, your world feels unsafe. If you can’t trust your partner, who can you trust? And worse, if your partner cheated on you, can you even trust yourself? Could your judgment be that flawed, could you really be that naive? The betrayal erodes the foundation of your relationship and it erodes your self confidence.

The only way to repair the relationship is to re-build the foundation of trust. I recommend that you don’t try to do this alone. Whenever a core wound is involved, it’s wise to get the help and support of a trained life coach or therapist.

Trust is rebuilt one brick at a time. Here are some important components.

1. Reliability. He does what he says he’ll do, when he says he’ll do it. He comes home on time, picks up the kids, fixes the broken cabinet… whatever it is, you trust his reliability.
2. Love. He actively demonstrates that he still loves you. There are 5 love languages, according to author Gary Chapman. These are ways that your partner can let you know he loves you. Figure out what your primary love language is and tell him so that he will know how to show you he loves you.
3. Communication. I feel like a broken record, but if you don’t have open, honest communication, you don’t have much of a relationship. One of the main reasons men and women have affairs in the first place is because they don’t communicate well with their partner, and that sends the relationship into disrepair. Tell him how you feel, tell him what you want from him, and expect nothing less from him.
4. Responsibility. Each of you has to own up to your part in the breakdown of the relationship. How did you stop paying attention to each other? When did the relationship become a lower priority? What are you each willing to do to repair it?

It is possible to recover from an affair. And while sometimes relationships just run their natural course and end, more often than not, a spurned lover throws the baby out with the bathwater. Problems in relationships are never one person’s fault, and if you take the time to look at the dynamics present within your relationship, you might find that there’s still life in it. If you ditch the relationship without examining the dynamics, you’ll get to repeat the process with your next partner.

One of the three major dynamics which destroy the satisfaction of long term relationships is that we have unrealistic expectations. These unrealistic expectations pop up not only in relationships, but in many areas of life. They keep us from being happy with what we have because we think everything should always be perfect. But perfection isn’t really part of the human experience, much as we might like it to be.

Listening to Savage’s advice made me think about house hunting. When you insist on noticing the best in your partner when he’s not displaying it, you might feel like your settling. But long term relationships, like house hunting, are about picking and choosing what to notice by focusing on what’s most important to you. They say that when you’re looking for a new home, if you can find 85% of what you’re looking for then you’re fortunate indeed. The same is true about relationships.

In both house hunting and relationships, it’s not about settling, it’s about choosing your focus. What you consistently focus your attention and energy on grows. If you concentrate on focusing your attention and energy on what’s good in your life, your job, your new home, or your relationship, you will grow those things. But if you focus on the things that annoy you about your partner, those things will grow. You could spend a lot of energy yelling at your partner for not putting the cap back on the toothpaste, or you could simply do it yourself. Savage used the example of one of his partner’s less endearing traits. His partner doesn’t seem to know how to put things away when he’s finished with them. This results in bread, meat, cheese, and condiments being left on the counter on a regular basis. Savage decided, after many attempts to cajole and threaten his partner to change his ways, to simply clean up after him instead. It improved their relationship because he shifted his focus to some of his favorite traits in his partner instead of constantly nagging him to clean up after himself.

A certain grace occurs when you decide to focus on what’s good in your partner. When you consciously choose to see the best in your partner, your expectations pull that behavior out of him (or her) and actually make him a better person. It’s kind of like planting seeds and then nourishing them with food, water, and attention. Food and water alone will make them grow, but somehow, paying positive attention to them makes them thrive.

Try this experiment: for one week, do your best to ignore the annoying little traits your partner has. I know it’s not easy; we all want our partner to be perfect, but he’s just as human as you are. Focus your attention on the things you love about him. Compliment him on those things, and ignore the things that ignore you. At the end of the week, notice how you feel about him. I’ll bet you feel more loving toward him. Email and let me know what happens.