Women in America have bought into the belief that we have to be like men to succeed in the workplace, unless we stay in traditional roles like secretary, nurse or teacher. The problem is that we bought into the belief so deeply that we forgot how to step out of the role once we left work. I see it repeatedly and did it myself: women who are so strong-willed at home that there’s no room for their man to be a man.

Men have been taught that in these days they shouldn’t be the iron fisted ruler of the roost; that the modern man is sensitive. Whiles it’s true that we don’t need abusive, insensitive men, there’s a lot of room between a brute and a weakling.

In romantic relationships, when a woman goes into a “mid-life crisis,” what’s usually happening is that she wants her man to step up to the plate. Subconsciously, she’s exhausted from keeping her masculine façade in place and desperately longs to return to her feminine essence. The catch-22 is that after years of seeing her man in the role she created for him, she no longer trusts his ability to “man up.”

Here are a few things each partner can do to improve the relationship:

SHE can tell the truth and ask for what she wants in the relationship. She can practice being vulnerable and open, even when it’s scary and she doesn’t trust that he’ll understand. She can stay focused on getting her needs met, even if it means the house isn’t spotless or the kids and partner have to do their own laundry. She can spend time with girlfriends each week, not trash talking about her partner but instead doing activities that she finds enjoyable and relaxing.

HE can listen to her without trying to fix what she’s talking about and without trying to defend himself, because that will invalidate her feelings and make her retreat back into her fortress. He can clarify, repeating back what he thinks he heard so that she realizes that he does, in fact, listen to her. He can ask her what she needs from him, and give her that if he’s able and willing. He can take her on a date and insist they not talk about kids or work. And he, too, can spend time with his friends each week so that he can relax and unwind.

But these little things are so important, and when we are acknowledged for our part in making things happen, it can make the minutia feel like it was all worth the effort.  Don’t believe the little things are important?  Try living in Manhattan in the summer when the sanitation engineers go on strike.

In any long term relationship, there unfolds a division of household duties.  There are things you do, and things your partner does.  As an example:  in my house, whoever cooks doesn’t have to clean the kitchen afterwards; usually my partner cooks and I clean.  If you actually sat down and made a list of all the things that have to happen for a household to run smoothly, you’d probably have over a hundred items on the list.

Get into the habit of appreciating your partner for the little things he or she does.  Invite them to do the same for you, and watch as the feel-good feelings increase.  As those feel-good feelings increase, you will start to feel better about yourself, each other, and the relationship.  You’ll probably have more and better sex, too.

How to appreciate:

1.  Notice one of the things your partner does around the house.

2.  Tell him or her that you appreciate that thing they do.  “I appreciate that you are the one to cook most nights.”

3.  Tell them why you appreciate that they do the thing.  “I appreciate that you cook because I usually don’t feel creative enough to come up with a nice meal.”

4.  Thank them for doing that task.  “Thank you for being the one to cook for us.”

5.  Don’t expect a “thank-back”, which is when the other person has to respond with something nice about what you do.

It’s better for the relationship when these appreciations happen independently of each other.  When your partner feels pressured to reciprocate immediately, they won’t be able to fully receive your appreciation. Let them bask in the appreciation, soaking in all the feel-good feelings.  You’ll get your turn another time.

I also did the traditional thing that most women do in long term relationships:  I lost my sense of self.  It happens to men too, but women are more susceptible because of the expectations society places on us to be good wives and mothers.

And then I did the other traditional thing that many women do when they approach 40:  I freaked out and decided I had to be on my own to reclaim that lost sense of self.  As typically happens when anything gets out of balance, it first over-corrects in the opposite direction before finding its way back to center.  So three years ago I left my husband.  I got my own apartment (well, with my daughter) and lived on my own for the first time since college.

It was so liberating at first.  But then a funny thing happened.  I realized that I could be independent while living on my own, but that I still didn’t know how to maintain that independence once I was back in a relationship.  I definitely didn’t want to lose this new-found independence!  So I did another really untraditional thing:  I reunited with my husband after a year apart.

For the past two years, I’ve been re-learning how to be in a relationship.  I’ve been learning how to maintain my independence while being in an intimate relationship.  It’s not easy, I can tell you that much. It takes a lot of work from both partners and a commitment from each partner to be open and honest at all times.

Codependent relationships are like the sensitive plant my nephew is growing.  If it senses danger, it shuts down and folds in onto itself.  Dangers in a relationship include things like lying, cheating, and being disrespectful to your partner.  If either of you senses any of these dangers, the instinct is to shut down and fold in onto yourself.  Independence teaches you how to remain open in the face of dangers and take care of yourself in a mature way.

Learning how to take care of yourself independently lessons the chance that these dangers will occur within your relationship—they get nipped in the bud before they can blossom into problems.  When you’re independent within a relationship, you care as much about your own well-being as that of your partner.  You’re not afraid to speak your truth, even if it might be difficult for your partner to hear.  This open and honest communication is the key to successful independence.

After two years, I think I’ve finally got it.  And I celebrate my independence, complete with fireworks.