Romance Recovery » Divorce

Why We Cheat

admin — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 17:17:51 +0000

As I was bopping around on the internet today, procrastinating about writing my blog, I noticed a lot of articles about why people cheat. Most of them were focused on why men cheat, which I found strange since women cheat nearly as often as men. Dr. Erica Goodstone, one of my fellow experts on YourTango, had a number of thoughtful reasons people cheat. Many of them revolved around coping skills and long term expectations.

I think the number one reason people cheat is because we are not intended to be monogamous. In cultures where monogamy is not mandatory, infidelity doesn’t destroy marriages. Having said that, I don’t condone cheating. I prefer open, honest communication and parameters within a relationship that allow for the possibility of non-monogamy.

Having said that, I also don’t think people who cheat are monsters. I don’t believe they’re deviants (although a very small number may be sex addicts), and I don’t believe there’s necessarily something wrong with them. What I do believe is that we don’t offer a good role model for being anything in between monogamous and a cheater. We don’t offer a socially acceptable alternative.

There are a number of acceptable alternatives; the more people embrace these alternatives, the more socially acceptable they’ll become. For example, twenty years ago it was considered taboo for a heterosexual woman to experiment with another woman. Today, many women experiment (I’ve heard numbers as high as 80% of women are at least bi-curious) and that particular taboo has lost some of its edge. The same principle applies to relationships. The more couples experiment with alternatives to monogamy– from polyamory to expanded monogamy to swinging– the less of a stigma will be attached.

But before you experiment with alternatives to monogamy, we’ll return to Dr. Goodstone’s coping skills and long term expectations. Let’s look at coping skills first. How do you deal with loss? How do you deal with success? How do you deal with disappointment and unmet expectations? How does your partner handle these things? It’s critical to develop healthy coping skills if you are to successfully navigate changes in your relationship. I am assuming with these questions that you want to shift the dynamics of your current, long term relationship. However, having good coping skills is also important when you’re in a new non-monogamous relationship and you have to deal with your partner having other partners.

Long term expectations are another key dynamic in relationships. What we want in our 20’s is not what we want in our 40’s or 50’s. As you grow, it would be helpful to examine your long term expectations on occasion (I’d recommend every five to ten years). Examine your own expectations as well as your partner’s expectations. It’s not uncommon for expectations to be implied and assumed, and that’s what causes a lot of problems in relationships. It goes back to having clear and open communication. If you expect your partner to do your laundry and he doesn’t, you’ll harbor resentment. But if you don’t explicitly request that he do your laundry, how is he supposed to know about that expectation? The same goes for sexual expectations and expectations about intimacy and romantic gestures.

An affair, whether it’s a one night stand or a longer affair, doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship. You will likely need professional help together to move past the hurt, anger, betrayal, and the underlying reasons for the affair. And you may decide after working through all those things that it’s time to separate. I’m just suggesting that you don’t end the relationship in a knee-jerk reaction. Take the time to explore the underlying dynamics which led to the affair, and make an empowered decision about how you want to move forward.

Another One Bites the Dust

admin — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 12:43:29 +0000

Are you ready for this one? Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are heading for divorce. He allegedly cheated on Demi with a younger woman. In doing that (if if fact he really did), he joins a ridiculously long list of famous men who’ve cheated on their wives.
Famous people are used to being the center of attention. This can be problematic when they are in a long term relationship, because couples in long term relationships eventually begin to take each other for granted. The familiar becomes mundane, which is a hard blow to those fragile egos.
All egos are fragile, and the egos of famous people even more so. Yes, I’m generalizing here. But let’s face it, when everyone tells you how wonderful you are all the time except your wife (or husband), it does make you more susceptible than the average person to look for greener pastures.
There are two lessons I think we can all take away from this latest marital destruction. The first is to seriously consider how important monogamy is to your relationship. The second is to take steps now to appreciate your partner more regularly.
The first: how important is monogamy? As I often say, there’s a whole lot of room between complete monogamy and utter infidelity. Everyone will have a different answer to that question, based on their life experiences and personalities. Most people assume that a committed relationship means total monogamy, but that’s not always the best solution. Although I never condone cheating- I’m a big fan of honesty- nobody’s perfect. One, or an occasional, slip in fidelity doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship. It will mean you need to work on rebuilding trust, but that happens all the time. Our cultural model for marriage doesn’t support extra-curricular sex, but maybe it should. Sex is just one component of a successful relationship and I think it’s up to each individual to decide what the sexual part of the relationship should look like.
The second: take steps to appreciate your partner more regularly. In all long term relationships, there is a tendency to get complacent. Resist that tendency or you risk an affair, a general drifting apart, or an increasing number of arguments. Relationships need to be nurtured. Just as you can’t plant seeds, never water them, and expect a beautiful garden to grow, you can’t fall in love, get married, ignore your partner, and expect love to flourish.
It is a natural progression in long term relationships that the “fallen in love” feelings subside after a few months or years. Those feelings are replaced with a more mature type of love that, if nourished, flowers into a deep and abiding love that supports each partner to grow as individuals and together in their relationship. But more often, we fall for the myth that if the relationship isn’t effortless, it’s not the right one. The reality is that successful relationships require work to keep them going. In other words, DON’T take your partner for granted. DO remember to tell her she’s beautiful. DO remember to thank him for fixing the kitchen sink. DON’T let all of your conversations revolve around the kids and work. DO make time for sex at least twice a week, and change it up every once in a while to keep it exciting. DON’T assume that because it’s not perfect, it’s not right and can’t be fixed. As we were reminded on Twitter, you know what happens when you assume. And lastly, DON’T assume you have to (or even can) fix your problems by yourself. That’s what relationship coaches and couples counselors are here for. Use us!

Knowing When to Call It Quits

admin — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 13:54:25 +0000

Divorce is rampant in America; 50% of first marriages end in divorce, and over 70% of subsequent marriages fail as well. Even with those staggering statistics, some people stay in marriages that should have ended years, if not decades, ago. At the same time, many of the divorces that do happen could be prevented. I don’t judge people who’ve gotten divorced; I believe that everything happens in divine order. It’s just that sometimes we do things to have the experience of “I’ll never do that again!” And sometimes we do things out of ignorance; we just don’t know that there could be another way. There are times when the relationship can be repaired, and times when it can not. Here are some ways to tell the difference. It’s time to leave when:
1. There is abuse involved. Whether it’s physical, sexual or emotional abuse, that is a clear sign that the relationship needs to end. Abusers nearly always escalate the abuse. It’s a vicious cycle that traps the victim into uncertainty, low self esteem and an inability to trust his or her own judgment. Unfortunately, this is usually when the relationship continues long after it should have ended.
2. You’ve grown apart and neither of you wants to work on improving the relationship. This one’s fairly simple. You can usually end the relationship amicably with a no-fault divorce. Many times, couples stay together long after the relationship is over for the sake of the children. You’re not doing anyone any favors by doing that. Studies have shown that kids need one present, loving person in their lives to grow into emotionally stable adults. They don’t need an intact nuclear family if it’s not a happy one.
3. You have serious problems- usually around lacking trust- and one or both of you are unwilling to work on the issues at hand. In order to heal these kinds of problems, most people need professional help. Seeing a therapist or a life coach to help you heal is a sign of strength, not weakness. Just understand that if you don’t want to heal them during this particular relationship, they will surely resurface in your next one.

On the other hand, many relationships end when they could potentially be saved, as when:
1. Someone cheats. Last week I wrote about how to recover from an affair. It might not be easy, but it is certainly possible. You’ll probably need professional help to learn how to trust your partner again, and it may take some time. But it’s worth it in the end, because leaving the relationship won’t make your sense of betrayal disappear. Instead, it will resurface in your next relationship.
2. You’ve grown apart but still like each other. People naturally grow apart if they don’t take the time to work on their relationships. You’re not the same person you were when you first met, and your partner may have changed too. But by consciously connecting on a regular basis, you can rekindle the spark of romance. It won’t feel the same as it did when you first met, but it can still be a powerful connection. Make a weekly date night, make a joint bucket list, and talk about your hopes and dreams together.
3. You fight too much. It’s not true that people who fight a lot aren’t meant to be together. It just means that they haven’t learned how to express themselves and get their needs met. This one too may require professional help, but the dynamic can be changed. Some people (my daughter, for example) argue for the sheer sport of it. There are many communication skills you can learn to tone down the rhetoric of your arguments. I’ve written about some ways to improve your arguments here.