They are insidious. They have been so deeply ingrained in our habitual thought patterns that we don’t even question them. But as I just said to a friend of mine, “It (life) will be as difficult or as effortless as you say it will be.” We sometimes forget that our thoughts and our feelings create our reality, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

One of the dwarves, Scarcity, tries to keep us for seeing the world as it’s meant to be. It also tries to make us forget that we live in a world of our own making. Scarcity would have us believe that there is Not Enough to Go Around, which is the root of NEGAtive thinking. And it’s a big, fat lie.

NEGAtive thinking keeps people trapped in relationships that aren’t working for them. You fear that you won’t be able to find another partner, there aren’t enough good men to go around, that yours is better than none. It’s a lie. If your relationship isn’t working, you owe it to yourself to either fix it or leave it. Don’t get caught up in scarcity consciousness, believing the lie. Don’t settle for anything less than you deserve.

We live in an abundant universe and in an abundant world. In our country, even the poorest of us are wealthier than most of the rest of the world. Look around you now, wherever you are. You will likely see an abundance of something: books, trees, grass, flowers, furniture, cats, or something I can’t imagine. Are these things you want, or things you don’t want?

The Law of Attraction tells us that what we focus on, we attract into our lives. What you may not realize is that the Universe doesn’t hear negatives. So for example, if you say something like, “I don’t want more bills,” the Universe hears “I want more bills.” You’re putting your attention on what you don’t want, rather than what you want. The Universe sends you a match to whatever you put most of your attention on, whether it’s something you want or something you don’t want.

Here’s a simple exercise I use for myself when I get momentarily caught up in the lie of scarcity. Close your eyes, and focus your attention on your breath. Breathe deeply and evenly, filling your lungs all the way down on the inhalation and exhaling completely. Ask yourself, “In this present moment, am I safe? In this present moment, do I have enough food in my body to sustain me? In this present moment, do I have a place to sleep? In this present moment, am I loved? In this present moment, can I open my heart a little wider?”

Scarcity sits heavy on you when you cast your fear into the future. When you imagine your future, try instead to imagine it brighter. Rather than worry you won’t have enough, what if you were to trust that the Universe is conspiring on your behalf? What if you decided to believe that there is, in fact, enough to go around, and that you will get your share?

It may help to recognize that there are many faces of abundance. If you think of it in a limited way, it will come to you in a limited way. For example, thinking that you have to earn a certain amount of money to thrive is limiting. Earning money is only one way to receive abundance. You can also be gifted with a place to live for free, you can earn a scholarship for free education, and you can be gifted with free food in a number of ways, just to name a few examples. Be willing to accept abundance in any form it chooses to grace you with.

Abundance vibrates at the same resonance as love, joy, and gratitude. Scarcity resonates with fear. And while you may not feel abundant in a given moment, tapping into gratitude will help raise your vibration so that you can align better with abundance. I’ve created a home study course here that will help you shift your energy from fear and scarcity to joy, love, and abundance. And remember to watch your focus. Scarcity is not real. It is the son of False Evidence Appearing Real.

One of the three major dynamics which destroy the satisfaction of long term relationships is that we have unrealistic expectations. These unrealistic expectations pop up not only in relationships, but in many areas of life. They keep us from being happy with what we have because we think everything should always be perfect. But perfection isn’t really part of the human experience, much as we might like it to be.

Listening to Savage’s advice made me think about house hunting. When you insist on noticing the best in your partner when he’s not displaying it, you might feel like your settling. But long term relationships, like house hunting, are about picking and choosing what to notice by focusing on what’s most important to you. They say that when you’re looking for a new home, if you can find 85% of what you’re looking for then you’re fortunate indeed. The same is true about relationships.

In both house hunting and relationships, it’s not about settling, it’s about choosing your focus. What you consistently focus your attention and energy on grows. If you concentrate on focusing your attention and energy on what’s good in your life, your job, your new home, or your relationship, you will grow those things. But if you focus on the things that annoy you about your partner, those things will grow. You could spend a lot of energy yelling at your partner for not putting the cap back on the toothpaste, or you could simply do it yourself. Savage used the example of one of his partner’s less endearing traits. His partner doesn’t seem to know how to put things away when he’s finished with them. This results in bread, meat, cheese, and condiments being left on the counter on a regular basis. Savage decided, after many attempts to cajole and threaten his partner to change his ways, to simply clean up after him instead. It improved their relationship because he shifted his focus to some of his favorite traits in his partner instead of constantly nagging him to clean up after himself.

A certain grace occurs when you decide to focus on what’s good in your partner. When you consciously choose to see the best in your partner, your expectations pull that behavior out of him (or her) and actually make him a better person. It’s kind of like planting seeds and then nourishing them with food, water, and attention. Food and water alone will make them grow, but somehow, paying positive attention to them makes them thrive.

Try this experiment: for one week, do your best to ignore the annoying little traits your partner has. I know it’s not easy; we all want our partner to be perfect, but he’s just as human as you are. Focus your attention on the things you love about him. Compliment him on those things, and ignore the things that ignore you. At the end of the week, notice how you feel about him. I’ll bet you feel more loving toward him. Email and let me know what happens.

1. Are you truly yourself around him? Does he understand (or at least humor) your handbag obsession? Does he really know how much you drink, smoke, shop, or eat Twinkies, and is he truly comfortable with it? Do you act the same way with him when you’re around each others’ friends?
2. Is he truly himself around you? Do you know about his Three Stooges fetish? Do you know how many hours he spends gaming, and are you comfortable with that? One way to gauge how authentic he’s being is to check out if your friends see him in the same way you do. Obviously they won’t know him as intimately as you do, but they should have the general same impressions. Also, does he act the same when you’re alone together as he does around your friends?
3. Do you trust him? Not just about monogamy (if that’s your agreement together) but do you trust him with your secrets, desires and ambitions? I believe that trust is a lot harder to come by than those emotions we call love. Trust is the number one barometer of longevity in relationships, in my experience.
4. How do you fight? Do you, or does he, bring up old wounds, or do you fight in the present, about the current hurt? Can you disagree without attacking each other? Are you comfortable with disagreeing, or do you try to smooth things over? Couples in healthy relationships learn how to fight productively.
5. If you weren’t having sex, how much would you still like him? Believe it or not, you will not always be wildly attracted to your partner. Even if he is an Adonis, familiarity tends to take the spark out of the eroticism in relationships. And while I have lots of remedies for bringing back the spark, the more you like about each other outside the bedroom, the tastier those remedies will be.

People tend to think that love just happens. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but long term love takes effort. It doesn’t just happen, but if you focus your time and energy on keeping your relationship healthy, the results will bring you a lifetime of JOY. These are good questions to ask yourself, whether you’ve been in a relationship for three weeks or thirty years. If you don’t like your answers, you can always choose again. When you change your mind you change your attitude, and when you change your attitude you can change even the most worn out relationship.