Common life events that can create trouble in relationships include things like moving, being unemployed, getting a new job, the death of a parent, and having a baby. People tend to contract during those times naturally, and it’s not necessarily unhealthy. You need to preserve your energy when going through major life changes. But contracting doesn’t have to mean shutting down. It can mean that you are extra careful with what you choose to do and with whom you choose to spend your time. It can mean that you cultivate your love relationship because that is what helps you stay balanced.

Unfortunately, that’s not what typically happens. More often, when faced with a major life change, even if it is one of our own choosing, once we launch the change, we panic. “OMG, what was I thinking?” we say to ourselves. We go into fear, or descend deeper into fear. We start imagining the worst case scenarios, and those imaginings have an impact on our reality. As we imagine our fears, we project them out into our reality, so they start showing up in our lives (Law of Attraction 101).

I have a solution, and I call it “catching yourself in the act.” I believe I read about it along time ago from Abraham-Hicks. (My apologies if it was from someone else). Here’s how it works:

1. Notice when you’re engaged in negative self-talk. That can be self-directed, as in “I’m so fat, I’ll never lose this weight” or other-directed, as in “he’s never going to get a good job again in this economy.” That’s the “catching” part.
2. Celebrate the fact that you noticed it. This is magical. Instead of beating yourself up for having negative thoughts, celebrate the fact that they’re not flying under the radar, wreaking even more havoc.
3. Re-direct your thoughts. What else is possible? Make a list of these possibilities. Writing them in a journal is especially powerful, but even if you just think about them, this will work. This is called doing a “what if… up”. Typically, our “what if” thoughts drag us down a negative road. This re-direct brings you into a more positive place.
4. You muster up the feelings of at least one of these better possibilities. Allow yourself to feel better for at least 17 seconds. The Law of Attraction acts on the level of our deepest, most prevalent feelings. That explains a lot, now, doesn’t it?
5. Before the feelings start to wane, if the negative thoughts were self-directed, run to a mirror and look into your eyes. Smile and say, “I believe in you, and I love you.” If the negative thoughts were directed at your partner, say to him, “I believe in you, and I love you.” Even if you’re not totally feeling it, say it. Or, say something like it that feels genuine and relevant to you.

A caveat: when you first begin this process, you might be shocked at how often you notice negative self talk. Continue to celebrate every time you notice a negative thought, even if it seems like all your thoughts are negative. Celebrating the noticing helps to re-train your brain and knocks the negative spiral off track. Being nice, both to yourself and to your partner, when you’re going through challenging times will make the road a lot smoother.

A few days ago I decided to do this the easy way: I started meditating on it. And today, voila! Into my consciousness floated the answer: I am the JOY Professor, teaching you how to Just Own Yourself for a life of love and abundance. JOY (Just Own Yourself) is the real answer to the world, the universe, and everything. Now, if the letters in the word JOY added up to 42, I’d have really freaked myself out. (they don’t, they add up to 55. Oh well.)

Everyone wants to experience joy, and most people believe that when they’re in love, or when they have enough abundance in their life (or both), they’ll finally experience joy. That’s backwards thinking, in my book. The truth is, when you allow yourself to experience joy no matter what, love and abundance make their way into your life.

I believe the secret to experiencing unbridled joy is to Just Own Yourself. What do I mean by that? Love what is. Accept that you are a radiant expression of the Divine, just as you are right now. Even if you’re experiencing pain, sorrow, feeling misunderstood and alone, and/or thinking nobody really gets you. Start using my personal motto: “It’s all good, I don’t care what it looks like.” Look for the lesson in each experience. Own up to yourself as the co-creator of your experiences. Wake up to the fact that you are, in fact, creating every facet of your life in each moment. What you’re experiencing now is the result of your thoughts, feelings and actions (or lack of) in the past.

Take responsibility for your life by Just Owning Yourself. First, take back your power, whether you’ve given it to your lover, your mother, or your boss. There are no victims and no villains in your story. If you think there are, you’re not looking closely enough. You’re not owning up to being the creator of your experiences. If you want to know how to start taking back your power and learn how to Just Own Yourself, sign up for one of my free teleclasses here.

Second, stop looking outside yourself for joy. Stop expecting other people to make your life better. That’s your job. Expecting other people to fix you is just another way to give over your power. Take back your power, and take responsibility for your own joy. I know, this sounds just like the first step. It is, but it’s an intricate process with many layers, so it bears repeating.

Third, lighten up! Stop taking yourself so seriously. You’re allowed to make mistakes. In fact, I encourage making as many mistakes as possible, with one caveat. When you make a mistake, learn the lesson. There’s nothing worse than making the same mistake over and over (believe me, I know!). In fact, that’s the very definition of insanity: doing the same thing and expecting different results. So laugh a lot, don’t be afraid to look silly, try new things whenever possible. Trust me, this last sentence holds a world of wisdom. Follow just that- laugh a lot, don’t be afraid to look silly, and try new things- and you’ll immediately begin to experience more joy. Try it, you might like it!

1. Start on the inside and love yourself more. All of your romantic partners are a mirror to show you how you feel about yourself. Think about it: what kinds of things did former lovers say to you? Those are the themes in which you are unloving of yourself. Try for a kinder, gentler you this year, starting with yourself.
2. Make a list of what you want in a partner. Not just physical attributes (who doesn’t want to date Robert Pattinson or Bradley Cooper?) but also personality traits and attitude toward life. Keep it positive and don’t dwell on the things you don’t want or you risk attracting more of that into your life.
3. Ask a few trusted friends to honestly tell you how you act when you’re in a relationship. Are you a stage 4 clinger? Are you a relentless nag? Be ready to hear the truth, and thank them for speaking it. Then try to figure out why you would act like that. What unmet needs are getting poked when you’re in a relationship?
4. Get out and circulate. You won’t get a date if you’re sitting home watching TV. Go out with other single friends, or go to public events that interest you. One caveat: don’t go to events that you’re not interested in. I know this sounds obvious, but don’t get caught up in going to places where you think eligible strangers might be, unless you’re genuinely interested in the event.
5. Ask for help. Ask your friends, married and single, to introduce you to interesting people. Here’s the trick: don’t ask them to set you up on a date with said interesting person. Instead, go in with no expectations. Meet somewhere non-threatening, like the local coffee shop. You might find a boyfriend, but you are just as likely to find a friend who has a friend who knows this guy… I think you know what I mean.
6. Don’t be afraid to go on-line. I know, everyone has heard horror stories of jerks who lied in their profile and were total dogs. But some of my friends have met wonderful men through on-line dating services. Be honest in your own profile (but don’t feel the need to air your dirty laundry) and take it slow.
7. Be open to love. That sounds obvious, but I’ve worked with tons of people who said they wanted to be in a relationship when they really didn’t. They were really just terrified of being alone, and that is a terrible reason to be in a relationship. If you’re not comfortable in your own skin, happy with where you are in life, and at least reasonably in love with yourself, do the inner work before you subject some innocent by-stander to your baggage. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but I’m honestly just trying to save you some heartache (see #1).