I want to take some time to write about a very serious issue:  domestic violence.  I was reading a novel recently about high school seniors.  Two of the main characters were a “golden couple;” popular, gorgeous and madly in love.  The young man was also an abuser.  One of the things that struck me was that he was never identified as an abuser.  He was portrayed as someone “crazy in love.”

Some of the signs of domestic abuse are subtle, others are obvious.  Where do you draw the line?  How can you discern if you’re being abused, or if you are engaging in abusive behavior?  While 85% of all domestic violence victims are women, that still leaves 15% who are men.  Domestic abuse crimes are grossly under-reported, due not just to the intimidation of the abuser, but also (and especially when the victim is male) shame on the part of the victim.  Only about 25% of all abuse, 20% of all rape (yes, there is such a thing) and 50% of stalking cases perpetrated by an intimate partner get reported to police.

Domestic violence is about power and control.  It’s never about being “crazy in love.”  Jealousy arises when you think you’re not in control of the relationship; that your partner may have a life of their own.  Of course, in any healthy relationship both partners have a life of their own.

Here are some signs to watch for (I’ll use the feminine pronouns throughout; just remember it could also be a male victim):

1. Coercion and threats:  Making and/or carrying out threats to cause bodily harm.  Threatening to leave, or to kill yourself if she leaves.  Making her drop any charges, and making her do something illegal.
2. Intimidation:  making her afraid using looks, acts and gestures.  Breaking things around her.  Destroying her property or abusing pets.
3. Male privilege:  treating her like a servant, making her adhere to old-fashioned gender roles, and making all the joint decisions without her input.
4. Emotional abuse:  putting her down, making fun of her, humiliating her in public.  Making her feel guilty or crazy; playing mind games.
5. Isolation:  controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to.  Not letting her go out with friends, keeping tabs on where she is every minute, and using jealousy as justification for your actions.
6. Minimizing, denying and blaming:  telling her the abuse didn’t happen, making light of the incident.  Shifting responsibility for the incident onto her; saying she made you do it.
7. Using children:  abusing her children to get at her, saying you’ll take them away from her, or using visitation rights to harass her.
8. Economic abuse:  preventing her from getting or keeping a job, making her ask for money, and not letting her have access to family funds; not letting her know about or have access to family income.

Any one of these incidents in isolation does not mean you are an abuser.  It takes a pattern, which to me (and this is arbitrary) means three or more incidents in less than six months.  Help is available for both parties; if you recognize yourself or a loved one from this list, please get help.  Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Statistics and signs provided by the National Coalition of Domestic Violence:  www.ncadv.org.