I’ve been wrestling with the concept of independence for five years now.  I learned codependence really well as a teenager and young adult.  I did the traditional thing:  got married young (at 23) and did the untraditional thing by waiting until I was 30 to have a child… that’s right, just one child, on purpose.

I also did the traditional thing that most women do in long term relationships:  I lost my sense of self.  It happens to men too, but women are more susceptible because of the expectations society places on us to be good wives and mothers.

And then I did the other traditional thing that many women do when they approach 40:  I freaked out and decided I had to be on my own to reclaim that lost sense of self.  As typically happens when anything gets out of balance, it first over-corrects in the opposite direction before finding its way back to center.  So three years ago I left my husband.  I got my own apartment (well, with my daughter) and lived on my own for the first time since college.

It was so liberating at first.  But then a funny thing happened.  I realized that I could be independent while living on my own, but that I still didn’t know how to maintain that independence once I was back in a relationship.  I definitely didn’t want to lose this new-found independence!  So I did another really untraditional thing:  I reunited with my husband after a year apart.

For the past two years, I’ve been re-learning how to be in a relationship.  I’ve been learning how to maintain my independence while being in an intimate relationship.  It’s not easy, I can tell you that much. It takes a lot of work from both partners and a commitment from each partner to be open and honest at all times.

Codependent relationships are like the sensitive plant my nephew is growing.  If it senses danger, it shuts down and folds in onto itself.  Dangers in a relationship include things like lying, cheating, and being disrespectful to your partner.  If either of you senses any of these dangers, the instinct is to shut down and fold in onto yourself.  Independence teaches you how to remain open in the face of dangers and take care of yourself in a mature way.

Learning how to take care of yourself independently lessons the chance that these dangers will occur within your relationship—they get nipped in the bud before they can blossom into problems.  When you’re independent within a relationship, you care as much about your own well-being as that of your partner.  You’re not afraid to speak your truth, even if it might be difficult for your partner to hear.  This open and honest communication is the key to successful independence.

After two years, I think I’ve finally got it.  And I celebrate my independence, complete with fireworks.