There’s bad news, more bad news, and eventually some good news, and then more good news when it comes to men and women in relationships.

The first piece of bad news is that Jonathan Gray was right:  men and women truly are different species.  Men really are from Mars, as embodied by the Roman God of war.  Women really are from Venus, as embodied by the Roman Goddess of love.  We genuinely see the world from two wildly different perspectives.  As you might imagine, this can make it quite challenging to have a conversation, never mind co-exist in a long term relationship.  As bad as this news is, it’s not really new news, and most of you have already figured this out.

The second piece of bad news is that when it comes to long term relationships, men really do marry their mothers and women marry their fathers.  We are inexorably drawn to the person who is the most capable of bringing out our deepest childhood wounds so that we can have the opportunity to heal those wounds.  Of course, we rarely thank our partner for this opportunity, but if we do take it, powerful healing can result.

I see this repeatedly with my clients and have experienced it in my own relationship.  Our romantic partners are mirrors for where we do not fully love ourselves.  We will attract, repeatedly and assuredly, partners who bring up our original childhood wounds of abandonment, unworthiness, and all of the myriad ways we split from our authentic selves in childhood.  Most of our parents, and most of us as parents, are not capable of giving deeply unconditional love.  It makes sense; people who didn’t receive unconditional love as children won’t naturally know how to give it to their own children.  It is a learnable skill, but it takes a lot of work.

To heal these childhood wounds, you have to change the pronoun.  Instead of saying, “my partner doesn’t respect me,” ask how you don’t respect yourself.  Instead of saying, “my husband never pays any attention to me,” ask yourself when was the last time you paid attention to what your body is trying to tell you.  You have to be willing to look at your story, own your part of it, and truly want to change.  Many people prefer to stay in victim or martyr mode rather than do the work necessary to take responsibility for their lives.  That’s fine, as long as you’re willing to own it.  If it’s easier for you to remain a victim, that is your prerogative.  Nobody can make you change without your consent, just as nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your consent.  You get to decide which you choose.  That’s the good news.

The other good news is that despite coming from different planets, and despite being magnetically drawn to the person who will peel off the scab covering our deepest childhood wounds, it is definitely possible to have an amazing, loving, conscious long term romantic relationship.  The only caveat is that you both have to be willing to do your inner work.  If only one of you is willing, then the relationship is unlikely to make it through the intense personal transformation that will occur for the partner doing the work.  When the triggers of the childhood wounds no longer exist, the relationship either naturally ends or the couple works together to forge new bonds from their new emotional grounds.

It’s a long journey back to the innocence and unconditional love that is our innate nature.  You need a trusted guide, someone who’s been there already themselves and who has led others back to the home in their hearts.  It’s a beautiful but intense journey, like that of a caterpillar turning to a butterfly.  You will emerge a changed person, with your essence shining through.  The chrysalis that surrounds your heart, protecting it from being wounded, peels away and reveals the beauty that was always there, longing to fly.