Lately the question of monogamy has surfaced a number of times for me.  I’ve been contemplating whether I genuinely believe that long term (20 or more years) monogamy is a natural state for humans.  This is a pretty intense contemplation, as it runs counter to virtually everything we’ve ever been told in our society.

As I discovered during my visit to the Museum of Sex in July, all of the animals that were previously thought to be monogamous were not, as evidenced by DNA testing off offspring.  Animals like swan, geese, penguins and prairie voles were socially monogamous for long periods of time, but sexually these relationships were a free-for-all.

Chemically there appear to be good arguments for social monogamy and against sexual monogamy.  Studies have shown that the chemicals secreted when we are in loving, affectionate relationships are good for our health.  These include not only stable romantic relationships but also close friendships and healthy, loving family relationships.  Seratonin and oxytocin have positive effects on blood pressure, heart rate, and mental health.

The chemicals secreted during orgasm had a markedly different effect.  Dopamine, for example, the main chemical secreted during orgasm, lights up the brain exactly like heroin does for an addict.  Our brains during orgasm are indistinguishable from the brains of people who are addicted to drugs and alcohol.  Once the dopamine levels drop, it leaves us edgy and irritable until our next fix.  When the person responsible for an influx of oxytocin is the same person responsible for the influx of dopamine, we have a conflict.

In long term relationships, the amount of dopamine necessary to light us up and get us sexually aroused becomes greater over time with the same partner.  This is likely because the amounts of oxytocin and serotonin override the dopamine.  Once again, great love and great sex don’t seem to have a positive correlation.  In a recent article in Psychology Today, the author suggests that monogamy in long term relationships feels like incest because of this cocktail of chemicals in the brain.  It explains why sex becomes boring and routine, and why play-acting helps to boost the eroticism in a long term relationship.  When we play-act, we are pretending to be someone different.

All of this leads me to believe that if we didn’t have social constraints against it, monogamy could rightly be considered an idea whose time has passed.  Granted, our chance of catching a communicable disease is much less when we pretend to be with someone new than if we are actually with someone new.  That’s one good argument in favor of monogamy.

The only other reasonable argument I’ve heard is quite valid.  Most of us don’t have the maturity, self confidence and trust toward our partner to feel safe in a non-monogamous relationship.  If we did, I believe that monogamy would soon be considered just another out-dated idea.  If you consider that statement heretic or outlandish, consider that a mere forty years ago pre-marital sex was still considered to be taboo.  What might another forty years bring us?