I just spent another amazing weekend at a yoga workshop, this time with Douglas Brooks, Darren Rhodes and Sara Rose at the Yoga Sanctuary in Northampton MA (www.yoga-sanctuary.com).

I was a little intimidated to be practicing with Darren. He is the “poster boy” for Anusara yoga. I mean that literally; he was photographed doing every asana (pose) in the entire syllabus. I saw a clip of some of the making of the poster on YouTube and it was awe-inspiring.

Saturday morning was an “advanced” practice, and the theme was about challenging yourself and receiving support. At one point, Darren gave us ‘recess’ and had us doing handstands for a few minutes. This pose has been my nemesis for a year now. For the past 6 months, I’ve been able to do a beautiful, strong handstand with just a small assist from a teacher or friend, but I’ve been unable to kick up into it totally by myself. So, in the middle of the room, with a small assist from Darren, I kicked up into a handstand. With support.During lunch I realized how LOUD my inner critic was being, and it made me feel really sad. For all the work I’ve done over the years, and as deeply as I think I love myself, I still had this voice telling me I’m not good enough. I decided to write in my journal to help re-frame my thoughts. I wrote a whole list of “I’m too hard on myself when I…. (beat myself up for not being able to do a handstand by myself)” and “It would be more supportive of me to remember…. (that I’ve only been serious about the asana practice for two years, and there’s nothing wrong with asking for help).”

On Sunday morning, the theme of the mixed level class was “relationships”. Sara talked about the joy of healthy relationships, and then Darren shared that he doesn’t experience a lot of joy. When I tuned into his energy around that, it felt like he’s really hard on himself. Then came the asana, and I’ve never resisted a class so much in my life. I was tired from the day before, true, but it was more than that. We were moving toward a pose I knew was impossible at this point in my body, which meant we were moving through a lot of poses that were highly challenging or impossible forms for my body. Which meant my inner critic was screaming incessantly. But more than that, I was resisting the emotional release I could feel coming from all the deep hip-openers we were practicing. But I stuck with it, and gave the fullest expression of each pose I could manage.

After lunch, I returned to the yoga studio alone. After a good cry, I was suddenly inspired to try a handstand once more. I kicked up into a strong, beautiful handstand. Alone.

I realized a few things in that moment. First, no matter how accomplished we are at something, everyone battles their own inner demons in some way. Being accomplished doesn’t automatically banish our inner critics; in fact sometimes it makes the voices even louder. Second, support is not only a good thing, it’s essential to our life experience. We’re not meant to go through this life alone. It takes strength to acknowledge when we need support and to accept that support with grace. And lastly, it wasn’t really about the handstand. It was really about my willingness to silence my inner critic by accepting support. It was really about being willing to love myself just as I am, regardless of how strong my practice is, or how successful my business is, or how much I weigh. THIS is why I practice yoga so diligently; to open to this kind of grace.

I leave you with this contemplation: what would your conversation with your inner critic sound like? How would you fill in the blanks: “I’m really hard on myself when I…” and “It would be more supportive for me to remember…” How much more could you open to love if your inner critic had less to say?

Namaste.