A dear friend was patiently listening to me rant about my “soon to be ex-husband” shortly after I told him I wanted a divorce (July 2007). This friend asked how I felt about leaving my partner, and I proceeded to vent. “He doesn’t get it, I can’t believe he’s surprised that I was this unhappy. How can he be so oblivious? He must be totally numb to his surroundings. He doesn’t even respect me, if he was that clueless about my feelings.”

“Change the pronoun,” said my friend. “Huh?” I asked. He repeated, “Change the pronoun. I asked how you felt, and you keep going on about him. You said he doesn’t respect you. How are you not respecting yourself?”
“Oh. Crap. It’s that mirror thing again, isn’t it?” I replied. “Yup,” he said.

How was I not respecting myself? One way was that I had let my marriage deteriorate to the point where I no longer felt it was a viable relationship. I didn’t speak up for myself. Me, the champion of the underdog, forgot to stick up for myself. I didn’t respect myself enough to ask for what I needed until I received it. Not only that, but I was drinking too much to hide the fact that I was miserable in my marriage. A pretty common reaction, but I knew better.

It was time to buckle down and do my work. This wasn’t just about what my partner was and was not doing or saying. This was about me, and I was getting the opportunity to dive deeper into self-love. Oh joy!